1 July 2016:
“The first thing that hits me is the noise: yelling, banging, screaming, grunting, barking, threatening, ranting, laughing, whining, arguing, fighting, howling, crying. It’s as if someone has downloaded every single sound effect and is blaring them all out at once. The reception wing looks like it last had a makeover in 1895 … My cell is about 6ft by 12ft. The mattresses on the bunk beds are made from heavy-duty blue plastic, designed for the easy cleaning of bodily fluids. At the back is a hideous toilet that doesn’t have a seat. There’s no privacy curtain. The floor is cold concrete, and it all smells pretty bad. Sitting on the bottom bunk is a tanned bald man in his 60s. He has a thin face with wire-rimmed glasses and is eating his dinner off a chair while watching TV. He introduces himself as Ted, and explains he’s just been rearrested in Spain, having absconded from a previous lengthy sentence for drug-smuggling.”
A Bit of a Stretch by Chris Atkins
I was recently a victim of crime. I was shocked at the time, and I’m still somewhat in awe of the perpetrator who was obviously a skilled thief, and probably working as part of a gang.
Date: 1st July 2023 Time: approx 12:30 Place: Exmouth Esplanade
Crime: Daylight robbery, Turkish delight ice cream in a waffle cone.
Offender: British seagull, a prolific re-offender, still at large.
Witnesses: Me and Hubby (I still maintain I MOCK-cried! Nevertheless, thank you to Hubby for buying me another ice cream).
Image left: Not me (obvs), but I’m sure that’s the exact face I pulled.
Nyamazela 