Robbed!

1 July 2016:

“The first thing that hits me is the noise: yelling, banging, screaming, grunting, barking, threatening, ranting, laughing, whining, arguing, fighting, howling, crying.  It’s as if someone has downloaded every single sound effect and is blaring them all out at once. The reception wing looks like it last had a makeover in 1895 … My cell is about 6ft by 12ft. The mattresses on the bunk beds are made from heavy-duty blue plastic, designed for the easy cleaning of bodily fluids. At the back is a hideous toilet that doesn’t have a seat. There’s no privacy curtain. The floor is cold concrete, and it all smells pretty bad. Sitting on the bottom bunk is a tanned bald man in his 60s. He has a thin face with wire-rimmed glasses and is eating his dinner off a chair while watching TV. He introduces himself as Ted, and explains he’s just been rearrested in Spain, having absconded from a previous lengthy sentence for drug-smuggling.”

A Bit of a Stretch by Chris Atkins

I was recently a victim of crime. I was shocked at the time, and I’m still somewhat in awe of the perpetrator who was obviously a skilled thief, and probably working as part of a gang.

Date: 1st July 2023 Time: approx 12:30 Place: Exmouth Esplanade

Crime: Daylight robbery, Turkish delight ice cream in a waffle cone.

Offender: British seagull, a prolific re-offender, still at large.

Witnesses: Me and Hubby (I still maintain I MOCK-cried! Nevertheless, thank you to Hubby for buying me another ice cream).

Image left: Not me (obvs), but I’m sure that’s the exact face I pulled.

Over a year working for HMPS has taught me an entirely new language. Fancy a vocabulary lesson?

PRISON VOCAB, UK:

HMPS – His Majesty’s Prison Service (HMPPS – the second ‘P’ is for probation)

Screw – a prison officer

Grass, to grass, grasser – a snitch (from Cockney rhyming slang ‘grasshopper’- ‘copper’)

‘Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?’ – words stencilled on the ceilings of all English police holding cells.

Clucking – withdrawing from heroin (one symptom being gooseflesh and shivering). 

Twoccing – to TWOC is to take a car without consent i.e. vehicle theft.

The nick, nicking, nicked –  get caught, put in jail/prison, prison.

EDIC – early days in custody.

Spice attack – an often fatal reaction including fitting and unconsciousness from taking Spice (NPS – New Psychoactive Substance), ingredients can include rat poison, cleaning liquid, synthetic cannabis and other opiates.

Association – time allowed out of your cell based on your incentive level (basic, standard and enhanced). 

Regime – time to take showers, socialise, get medication etc.

To spin a cell or get spun – to have your cell searched for contraband.

Free flow – when all no-peripheral prison gates are opened, all manned by officers, allowing prisoners to move freely to healthcare appointments, learning, work and therapeutic groups. Free flow happens 4 times a day.

To be ‘on their bell’ – a prisoner has activated their emergency cell bell.

VP – vulnerable prisoner. This term applies to any prisoner deemed to be vulnerable and not able to share a cell or mix in the ‘mains population’ (non-VPs) including sex offenders. Some sex offenders have a whole wing, or indeed a whole prison to themselves (HMP The Verne in Portland, Dorset) and as they are isolated they do mix and share cells etc.

DNA – ‘Did not attend’ an appointment, course, work etc.

NFA – ‘No fixed abode’.

The ‘ones’, the ‘twos’, the ‘fours’ etc – refers to the landing level in each prison wing. The ‘ones’ is the ground floor. Each landing has a LO (landing officer).

LPU – London Pathways Unit is a specialist off-location wing of HMP Belmarch for offenders who meet some or all of the criteria for personality disorder and who are coming to within 2 years of a life sentence and need to prepare for release.

Lifer – people given a life sentence in the UK will be ‘on licence’ for the rest of their lives though they will be given a minimum stay in custody and opportunities for parole. 

‘On licence’ – means the time that you are required to stick to certain conditions of your sentence, e.g. check in with your probation officer or sign the sex offender register. When you are no longer ‘on licence’ you cannot be recalled to prison for your ‘index offence‘.

‘Index offence’ – the original crime you committed small or serious.

Substance misuse –  you know what this means!!

IR – Intelligence report.

Bang up – to be locked in your cell.

BASS – Bail accommodation service.

HDC – home detention curfew – to have a tag put on your leg and released from prison while still on licence with certain conditions applied.

AP– approved premises.

In recovery – to be in the process of overcoming addiction, maybe a period of sobriety.

AA, NA, GA, SAA –  the fellowships related to the Alcoholics Anonymous programme. Volunteers who are themselves in recovery come into the prison to hold meetings with inmates. I’ll let you figure out what the letters stand for.

Distraction packs – prisons offer word searches, puzzles and other games for offenders to keep from boredom in their cells.

ACCT – Assessment Care in Custody Teamwork. If an offender mentions feeling suicidal, hearing voices, threatens to self-harm, or does or attempts to do any of these, they will get placed on an ACCT.  ACCTS are reviewed every few days with the offender, senior officers, healthcare workers and other staff members present. ACCT reviews continue until the risk is deemed to be over. 

Cat-C or C-Cat – Prison categories: D = open prison; A = high risk of escape/danger to the public; B = mixed population with some residents ‘on remand’ and others considered low risk of escape and taking part in work, training and rehabilitation programmes (Category C). Women’s prisons and YOI (Young Offender Institute) are not categorised.

On remand – in custody, but not yet sentenced. 

MDT/VDT – Mandatory and voluntary drug test.

Naloxone – an EpiPen-like injection to stop a heroin overdose. Can delay an overdose by approx 30 mins while Code Blue is called. Yes, somehow drugs, especially spice, get into prison.

Code Blue – paramedic or ambulance. 

Prison Hooch – homemade fermented liquid, prison alcohol.

PID – prisoner information desk – this is a prisoner who has been trusted with a kind of peer manager role. They wear a red band on their upper arm and can come and go more or less freely in the prison (except leave).  They have an office where prisoners can meet them for advice, or help filling out APPS (applications to work, study, ask to be seen by an agency worker etc).

That’s about it from me for now … 

SMALL PRINT:
P.s. I don’t recommend prison.